Afternoon, how are you all?
Me……I really don’t know
One minute I’m fine, the next I am feeling so low I want to curly into a ball and howl!
Oh I know everyone is fighting their own battles, you don’t know what the next person is dealing – which is why it is always important just to be a decent human being!B
But you know when it feels like you are losing control?
Apparently I have reached ‘that’ stage in a womens life, which is fine…don’t get me wrong, I am quite happy with entering my crone phase. But I have only just started and and I feel like I am drowning. My mood is all over the shop, I find myself not giving a sh*t about stuff that needs to be done, I can’t be bothered with personal hygiene on the really rubbish days. I know this sounds very much like depression and my hormonal changes are probably making my depression worse to be fair.
Home life has its ups and downstairs, both of our teenage daughters have depression, one is always on the verge of self harming again so its a balance trying to keep them in a safe place in their own mind, my husband has been retired from work on health grounds with 2 conditions that are extremely debilitating for him and one has damaged part of his brain too.
I miss my husband, I mean he is still here obviously, but there are times I miss the old him. Its not his fault, just a crappy hand he has been dealt…I know he misses his old self too and that must really be difficult compared to how I feel.
I am annoyed however that my really sh*t days always seem to be when he too is also having quite bad day….its frustrating as there isn’t anything I can do to help him so when I am feeling low, I want to scream at the injustice of it all. We have been through so much as a family, so much pain that it just isn’t fair! These are the days I really struggle to keep it together for everyone.
I’m not alone, I have extended family and really good friends that I can turn to…but what can they do, I find myself mourning the life we used to have, no…that’s not quite right, maybe wondering what life would be like if certain things hadn’t happened…but that road leads to madness or I think it would if I travelled too far down it anyway.
As a pagan, I am not too sure either what I can do. If I was giving advice to someone else, I suppose one of the easiest things to do would be to get out into nature…..but I am out nearly everyday to walk the dog, so I am outside in the fresh air.
I suppose I should go to the woods, I haven’t been to the woods in a long tìme, maybe I should rectify that…..not definitely I need to rectify that!
Yes….tomorrow, tomorrow I will take the dog and go and see peace in the little patch of woodland in the ‘burbs for an hour or so, let the trees and the earth and the critters and birds sooth me for a bit. That is a plan!
Today however, I will do my best to keep it together so as not to free the kids out by curling up in a ball and crying, they get spooked when Mum loses it as its normally me keep them grounded! If anyone questions me, I will tell them its a sad part of a book I’m reading and I should get away with it! 😉
If you have made it this far, well done…..I really just needed to write this and get it out of my head, I know its not my usual type of post and for that I’m sorry if it has bothered you….normal service will resume soon.
And if I don’t speak with you before, I would like to wish you a wonderful Yule, x