Feeling…….

Afternoon, how are you all?

Me……I really don’t know

One minute I’m fine, the next I am feeling so low I want to curly into a ball and howl!

Oh I know everyone is fighting their own battles, you don’t know what the next person is dealing – which is why it is always important just to be a decent human being!B

But you know when it feels like you are losing control?

Apparently I have reached ‘that’ stage in a womens life, which is fine…don’t get me wrong, I am quite happy with entering my crone phase. But I have only just started and and I feel like I am drowning. My mood is all over the shop, I find myself not giving a sh*t about stuff that needs to be done, I can’t be bothered with personal hygiene on the really rubbish days. I know this sounds very much like depression and my hormonal changes are probably making my depression worse to be fair.

Home life has its ups and downstairs, both of our teenage daughters have depression, one is always on the verge of self harming again so its a balance trying to keep them in a safe place in their own mind, my husband has been retired from work on health grounds with 2 conditions that are extremely debilitating for him and one has damaged part of his brain too.

I miss my husband, I mean he is still here obviously, but there are times I miss the old him. Its not his fault, just a crappy hand he has been dealt…I know he misses his old self too and that must really be difficult compared to how I feel.

I am annoyed however that my really sh*t days always seem to be when he too is also having quite bad day….its frustrating as there isn’t anything I can do to help him so when I am feeling low, I want to scream at the injustice of it all. We have been through so much as a family, so much pain that it just isn’t fair! These are the days I really struggle to keep it together for everyone.

I’m not alone, I have extended family and really good friends that I can turn to…but what can they do, I find myself mourning the life we used to have, no…that’s not quite right, maybe wondering what life would be like if certain things hadn’t happened…but that road leads to madness or I think it would if I travelled too far down it anyway.

As a pagan, I am not too sure either what I can do. If I was giving advice to someone else, I suppose one of the easiest things to do would be to get out into nature…..but I am out nearly everyday to walk the dog, so I am outside in the fresh air.

I suppose I should go to the woods, I haven’t been to the woods in a long tìme, maybe I should rectify that…..not definitely I need to rectify that!

Yes….tomorrow, tomorrow I will take the dog and go and see peace in the little patch of woodland in the ‘burbs for an hour or so, let the trees and the earth and the critters and birds sooth me for a bit. That is a plan!

Today however, I will do my best to keep it together so as not to free the kids out by curling up in a ball and crying, they get spooked when Mum loses it as its normally me keep them grounded! If anyone questions me, I will tell them its a sad part of a book I’m reading and I should get away with it! 😉

If you have made it this far, well done…..I really just needed to write this and get it out of my head, I know its not my usual type of post and for that I’m sorry if it has bothered you….normal service will resume soon.

And if I don’t speak with you before, I would like to wish you a wonderful Yule, x

Wishing you a blessed Summer Solstice

Good morning, how are you?

No, really how are you doing? It’s been a strange year and a bit hasn’t it, I hope you are ok in the grand scheme of things.

The Wheet has turned once again, it doesn’t stop, no matter what is happening in the world, it keeps on turning and we are back to the Summer Solstice. As usual, I had plans, plans to mark it, a small fire out the back, making a honey cake or sun biscuits to simply lighting a candle on my altar. Yes, you guessed it….I havent done any of it!

My altar had had a clean up at the New Moon but I didn’t Solstice-fy it, I didn’t have a fire, I never made any cake or biscuits….I was about to give myself a hard time like I usually do, call myself a rubbish pagan blah blah blah…..but I didn’t do that either.

I havent got the energy, plain and simple. I am tired, there are lots of things going on in my life that are taking up my time and an awful lot of my energy, mainly looking after my family, who all have their own rather large issues going on from mental health to physical health, along with doing all the other bits like dog walking and food shopping as well as trying to build up a small wood carving business. I am learning, thanks to walking my pagan path and all of the wonderful friends I have made along my path, that I can’t do everything. Yes, it would be nice to do all of the above mentioned ways of marking the turning of the wheel, it would be wonderful to go out and do something Instagram or Pinterest worthy….but I can’t, I am tired. So, this morning I set my alarm clock stupidly early and I got up to welcome the sunrise from my little back yard.

I had a candle lit (and a warm drink!), I played my drum quietly and I watched the sky brighten. I could tell when the sun had risen by the slight change in clouds, I could see white ones instead of just silhouettes.

I looked around my quite wild and overgrown container garden and gave thanks to my fruit trees, my herbs and all the other plants….my St John’s Wort (Hypericum Perforata) is about to flower- I wonder if it will open by the 24th, St John’s day/Midsummer?

I then went back to bed, satisfied that I had marked the Solstice in a little way…but I had marked it. See, I’m not such a rubbish pagan, I mutter to myself as I climb back under my covers.

I have now done the first part of my day job and I had to call in at the depot for new paperwork, and just to remind me how beautiful and resilient nature is, this poppy bank is growing year on year in a very dry, dusty, industrial area….it is so cheery, was fullnof buzzy bees, ladybirds on the daisy types, mugwort growing in the cracks between containers.

All in all, I feel good about my Solstice so far and this makes me happy.

So I would like to wish you all a wonderful and blessed Solstice, however big or small you plans are, enjoy your day, x

Dark moods

This, the sound of the gusting wind and the darkness of skies sums up how I feel today!